Tim | Tairāwhiti, Gisborne

“I’ve got a friend who’s lived an experience of trauma in her life, generational trauma in her family, and we’re the same age. I always say when I’m talking about her that if you can think about the worst things that ever happened to you as a child, and as an adult, that was her life.

And that led her onto a journey where she became involved with the criminal justice system, went to prison, got involved in drugs to the point where she was dealing drugs and did a long stint in prison. She was on the verge of losing her family and losing her connection with her grandchildren, and just through the support of her son, who sort of gave her an ultimatum, but also backed it up with supporting her, and said, hey I’ve got faith in you, she chartered her own course of change. Now to the point where she has been on that journey for about nine or 10 years, she’s half way through her masters, she’s like a beacon of hope in our community and nationally for people who have come through trauma themselves. I suppose for me, it made me reflect that we’re born in the same year but were born into such different circumstances. I’m not sure I would say I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but I was definitely born with a spoon. I didn’t have any of those negative experiences. I grew up in a relatively well-supported family situation, where although my dad was away quite a lot growing up, I didn’t have hugely negative experiences. But I’ve got into an employment space now where we made that connection, and actually it’s interesting how while we have completely different lived experiences, our views of the world and our views of supporting people in that space are quite similar. So we’re working together on a project now and we’re connected to a whole range of other people who have shared similar experiences to each of us really, and are working together in partnership to support whānau. 

Things operate on relationships, the more we can feel connected, the more I think that we feel supported to be who we want to be, and I think that’s often they say the antidote to negative things like addictions or anything like that is actually connection. So often when people are disconnected or feel isolated, they lose their way, and head on down that path whether it’s drugs, whether it’s alcohol. So, the more people can feel connected in their whānau and their community, the healthier we all are. 

I did all my schooling in Whanganui, and it’s quite similar to Tairāwhiti in a lot of ways, except the river is a lot more polluted over there, than the one over here. I lived a little bit in Wellington and then have lived here for 28 years, in Tairāwhiti, and my partner is from here, and what got me into this work is that I worked at Probation for 13 years, worked with men on supporting change in that space, and then we lost some people in our community in 2006 to murder-suicide and there’s a group of men that got together to talk about how we could create a solution or be part of the solution, rather than being seen as the problem most the time. So, we got on the journey to create a space that was safe for men to come and share and be supported and be connected, and that’s the Tauawhi Men’s Centre, and that’s the work I’ve been doing for the last 10 years.

I think my dad modelled acknowledging diversity, and made a stand on some things around racism and that sort of stuff.  Made some public stands in that sort of thing. So, that role-modelled inclusiveness and being connected and just a value of respect. What drives me is that change is possible and I think I’ve just been privileged enough to be part of and connected to men and women who have been on a change journey. Just seeing the potential in that and the fact that if you create a space that’s safe enough for people to share, and speak their truth, they’ll do that for us as men, that’s often one of the biggest challenges.”