What moments shaped you in 2025?
Pērina | Kaikohe
After surviving 17 years in an abusive relationship, Pērina celebrates breaking free from toxic cycles and finding healing and purpose through mahi rongoā (Māori healing practices), her tamariki, and the guidance of her tuakana Jazz.
“I would say that I have been the first one in seven generations in my whakapapa that has broken free. Broken free from intergenerational trauma, toxic cycles, sexual abuse, violence, emotional, mental. And I know for a fact that my tūpuna are super proud of that. “
What I’m celebrating is my walk to freedom. A walk to freedom as in letting go of all my toxic values, toxic cycles, all the personas that I’ve had to be for thirty something years. And just being able to find my tuakiritanga (identity) and my purpose in te ao Māori.
As a Māori and as a wahine, as a māmā, I felt like I lost my true identity within all those spaces. Being given a safe space, a nurturing space, a whānau that loves me unconditionally, I’ve been able to let go of all of those things that had suppressed me or oppressed me. And being able to flourish and find empowerment within myself, within my whānau and for my tamariki.
That’s been my purpose here, is being able to release the toxic relationship that I was in for 17 years. Within that 17 years, I was abused sexually, emotionally, mentally. I didn’t know how to walk. I didn’t know how to talk. I had no mana. I was just a vessel. That’s all I felt like, a vessel. To be treated so cold, it felt so cruel.
There were many nights where I wish I didn’t wake. There were many days when I woke and I was like, “oh, here we go, another day. Another day to survive.” That’s all I felt like, I was surviving. But over these two and a half years, has been the first time I felt like I have been living. Living to be me, living to be the māmā that I wanted to be, living to be the huānga for my siblings and living to be the mana wahine that I am today. That’s how I feel anyways.
Still growing, still changing, but the tautoko and the unconditional aroha that I get from my whānau and my tamariki, despite the environment that I had put them in, they have been my toka (rock). They have been my āhuru mōwai (safe haven), they have been my joy, my strength, and everything that I am today. Mei i kore ake nei rātou, kāhore tēnei wahine e kōrero ana me pēnei ai. (If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be speaking this way.)
When I went through those moments, I found one, I guess one little hīnātore (glimmer of light) within me which came from mahi rongoā (medicine). Mahi rongoā has been my drive and my tamariki and my whānau have been my waka. They have been my waka through everything. I know there’s a lot of wāhine that are still stuck in those cycles. I just want to reach out to those wāhine that are still there that, “Hey, kei a koe te mana. Kei a koe te tikanga. Ka taea e koe.” Koinā taku hiahia mā rātou katoa. Ka puta mai ki te ao mārama ngā momo ngāngara kei roto i a mātou. Āe, koinā te mea nui. (“Hey, you have the power. You have the choice. You can do it.” That’s my wish for them all. To bring out into the world of light all the different bugs/issues within us. Yes, that’s the most important thing.)
Bring it to the light. Even though it hurts. Just know that you have to be the solid one.
Ki a au nei, i kite au i te ao mārama. I kite au i te ātaahuatanga o te ao Māori, o ō tātou nei tūpuna. Kāore anō au kia kite i ngā rā o mua, erangi inaiānei kei konei tonu ōku tūpuna ki taku taha, kei mua i ahau, kei muri i ahau, hei akiaki, hei ārahi i ahau me tōku ara ā-wairua. And kei konei toku whānau Mānihera, tōku pā harakeke kia kawe, kia tiaki i a au me tōku mahuru. Erangi ko te mea nui ki a au, ko te aroha tūturu. (For me, I saw the light. I saw the beauty of the Māori world, of our ancestors. I hadn’t seen it before, but right now my ancestors are still here by my side, in front of me, behind me, to encourage, to guide me and my path, spiritually. And here is my whānau Mānihera, my community, to carry, to care for, for me and my sanctuary. But the most important thing for me is true love.)
I think for other wāhine, even tāne, other tāngata that are still going through the things that I have been through…
Me whakapono ki a koe. Me whai ki roto i a koe ahatia ngā pōuriuri. He pai ake te pōuriuri. Ka kite koe te hīnātore, ka kite koe i te ao mārama, ka kite koe i tō ara ki tua, ka kite koe i ō tūpuna pēnā ka noho tonu ki roto i te pōuriuri. Erangi kaua e mokemoke. Kaua e mokemoke ki roto i tērā āhuatanga o tērā noho puku, me kī. Me whawhai. Me whawhai mōu, mō ōu tamariki, mō tō whānau, mō tō whakapapa. (Believe in yourself. Go within yourself despite the darkness. The darkness is better. You will see the light, you will see the world of life, you will see your path forward, you will see your ancestors if you sit in the darkness. But don’t feel lonely. Don’t feel lonely in that state of that sitting in stillness, so to speak. You must fight. You must fight for yourself, for your children, for your whānau, for your lineage.
I wake up and I’m breathing. And I’m breathing my own hā. I wake up every day and I get to see my tamariki for who they truly are and not who I thought they were meant to be.
I get to wake up to my huānga (relatives) who teach me lifelong lessons, especially my tuakana (older sister), Jazz. She has been the pou manawataki (heartbeat) for our whānau. She’s the first person that has ever shown me what a mother’s love really feels like. She’s shown me what firm love feels like. She’s shown me what true aroha feels like. She has guided me on this journey every step of the way. And I haven’t felt that from my own mother.
If I was truly to say something to her I’d say she has been my number one purpose. She’s given me the most strength. She’s shown me aroha. She’s trusted me when nobody else would. She’s been my māmā, although she’s a māmā to my tamariki as well, she has the biggest heart.
E kore taku aroha e memeha haere mōna. So, ki a koe Jazzy, nōku te tino waimarie ki te noho piri tata ki a koe hei whāngai, hei ākonga, hei tauira, kia puāwai ai hei mana wahine. (My love for her will never fade. So, to you Jazzy, I am truly blessed to be close to you as a daughter, as a learner, as a student, so that I may flourish as a strong woman.)”
– Pērina
