What does community mean to you?

Haley | Tūranganui-a-Kiwa

Haley speaks about losing her children’s father to suicide, the deep challenges of carrying her whānau through that grief, and the strength she found in her whānau and community.

Content warning: this post contains discussions of suicide.

There’s been many times I’ve needed my community. I’m a mother of six but I had four children at the time. The father of my four older children committed suicide.

Fortunately for myself, I do have my whānau, but I was also fortunate that I had my extended whānau from this community, which was my kapa haka whānau. Who wrapped around us and had me for a whole year.

I was able to leave work just so I could focus on my kids. The youngest was nine and my oldest son was 18. So I was able to not stand alone in a time when I felt like we were sinking, really. And I didn’t know how to hold them up with my own two hands. It felt like I was going to fail my kids too if I didn’t have the support that I did at the time.

And that was my community. That was my kapa haka whānau, Tūranga Wahine Tūranga Tāne, which was a group that I was pretty much raised with as a teenager.

The healing process was ugly. It wasn’t glamorous at all. Because I was dealing with four different people, my kids. And I actually had to get to know them individually again. Because they all sort of lost themselves when their father died. They blamed each other. They blamed themselves… that they could have done something to save their dad. That we all could have done better to ensure that he didn’t do what he did.

We’re out of the deep end, I suppose. But I think it’s something that’s always gonna live with them. That they’re always gonna carry and they’re always gonna come across a memory or be triggered by something that sets them back. And they have to check themselves again or I have to check in with them. It’s about being aware of that too as a mother.

The hope for me is that they find some sort of mechanism, rongoā (remedy) that will cut that off, so they don’t have a whakapapa to whakamomori (suicide), because I don’t want them to believe that that is their whakapapa now.”

Where to get help:

1. 1737: The nationwide, 24/7 mental health support line. Call or text 1737 to speak to a trained counsellor.

2. Suicide Crisis Line: Free call 0508 TAUTOKO or 0508 828 865. Nationwide 24/7 support line.

3. Youthline: Free call 0800 376 633, free text 234. Nationwide service focused on supporting young people.