Jamie - This is Aotearoa

Jamie | Tolaga Bay, Gisborne

“So, I was 25 years old at the time, and I lost my third child to what they now call SUDI, so cot death. Something you probably hear a lot about, and don’t ever think that it would happen to you.

At such a young age, as a young mum, it’s very challenging, in all aspects, and I had two other babies. So I had to ground myself at home, and just tell myself that he is in a better place, and that life still goes on.

10 years this year, and still every day, I find it a challenge, but every day is a good day, and it’s all self-healing. So, I have to do it all for myself, and I do. He’s buried here, hence why I have picked to continue living here so that I still have that connection in some way. A lot of people always blame themselves, but we have to remember that it’s out of our control. We just connect to them, or stay connected to them, so that you still feel like you fulfil all of those things.

It’s hard because I guess people will obviously have their own ways of dealing with grief, or with their loss, but I think for me, it was to smile. It’s a beautiful day, and I had other children to keep me going. So, I was just looking forward to those things that you can do and see with your other children. It’s hard, but you carry on, because you have to.

So I was born in Gisborne, lived in Auckland, Wellington and then back to Gisborne, growing up as a young girl, and then I did my high school years here in Tolaga Bay, moved away to study, moved to Tauranga, had two children, moved home and had my third son, and I’ve been home 10 years. So I have four sons from age 13 and my youngest is eight. I work for Te Runanganui o Ngāti Porou, as a whānau ora navigator, and I’m based here in Tolaga Bay, working alongside the whānau here.”

**Sands supports parents and their families who have experienced the death of a baby no matter what the cause, gestation/age or reason for the loss**

What, if anything, have you done differently after visiting this site?

Billie

Billie

Billie | Tolaga Bay, Gisborne - "I feel like I can’t go out and talk to people purely about myself because I feel like that’s too selfish. But the people I’ve met in my life, they’ve identified that there’s no shame in talking about yourself if you’re struggling. It’s the only way you can get through it."
Kev

Kev

Kev | Addington, Canterbury - "That was certainly a big problem for me in my 20s. A lot of feelings, but no words, no language to portray this to other people. Also, feeling like it’s undignified to ask for help. I think there just became a time where things were so tough over such a long period of time, that the options of not asking for help had come to an end."
Reina

Reina

Reina | Pukekawa, Waikato - "It’s become more and more apparent to me how important it is for us all to connect back to those roots. Connect back to our ancestors, for me to connect to my tūpuna, and to continue the legacy of their own culture, because it’s so beautiful."
Willie

Willie

Reina | Tolaga Bay, Gisborne - "I went out there in the big wide world by myself, from this little town where I thought that nobody loved me, nobody cared for me. So the only ones that I looked to were the guys that pulled me off the street, and they were gang members."
Anita

Anita

Anita | Fairfield, Waikato - "I didn’t really have the best of lives. I was married to a gang member and finally, after 20 years I got away from that. It still took a long time, but now I’ve come out the other side, and just got my kids to keep me going."
Tui

Tui

Tui | Tokomaru Bay, Gisborne - "Tokomaru's a very isolated, remote, rural area, but when you get there, you get to be with the people, you learn the land, you learn the history and you learn a way of living life the way the people up there live it"
Abdi

Abdi

Abdi | Christchurch, Canterbury - "The biggest challenge that I’ve had to face is I’m from a refugee background. Having to learn to adjust and give kudos and mana to both sides of who I am. Learning how to navigate that parallel of the Western system versus the more traditional African upbringing."
Kelly

Kelly

Kelly | Uawa, Gisborne - "What I do is a gift, and it’s handed down from generation to generation from our family, and being from Ōmarumutu which was known as a hospital during the Māori Wars. That’s part of our gift, is where we come from, how we were brought up, and I appreciate everything that I do and I plan to pass it onto those who are willing to learn."
Jono

Jono

Jono | Paparangi, Wellington - "It was a challenge overcoming the loss of a limb. In my culture, to opt to have a part of you taken away is not a thing we take lightly. From a spiritual basis, from kaupapa Māori, tikanga Māori, we value our body."
Kelly

Kelly

Kelly | Matamata, Waikato - "You can’t dwell on it. It’s your moment that’s happening at that time, but it’s not your forever moment. Things will change, other people go through lots of hard times, but you always know whether it's one week later, six months later, or a year later, at some stage in their life they start overcoming."

Jamie | Tolaga Bay, Gisborne

“So, I was 25 years old at the time, and I lost my third child to what they now call SUDI, so cot death. Something you probably hear a lot about, and don’t ever think that it would happen to you.

What, if anything, have you done differently after visiting this site?

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