Jamie | Tolaga Bay, Gisborne

“So, I was 25 years old at the time, and I lost my third child to what they now call SUDI, so cot death. Something you probably hear a lot about, and don’t ever think that it would happen to you.

At such a young age, as a young mum, it’s very challenging, in all aspects, and I had two other babies. So I had to ground myself at home, and just tell myself that he is in a better place, and that life still goes on. 

10 years this year, and still every day, I find it a challenge, but every day is a good day, and it’s all self-healing. So, I have to do it all for myself, and I do. He’s buried here, hence why I have picked to continue living here so that I still have that connection in some way. A lot of people always blame themselves, but we have to remember that it’s out of our control. We just connect to them, or stay connected to them, so that you still feel like you fulfil all of those things. 

It’s hard because I guess people will obviously have their own ways of dealing with grief, or with their loss, but I think for me, it was to smile. It’s a beautiful day, and I had other children to keep me going. So, I was just looking forward to those things that you can do and see with your other children. It’s hard, but you carry on, because you have to. 

So I was born in Gisborne, lived in Auckland, Wellington and then back to Gisborne, growing up as a young girl, and then I did my high school years here in Tolaga Bay, moved away to study, moved to Tauranga, had two children, moved home and had my third son, and I’ve been home 10 years. So I have four sons from age 13 and my youngest is eight. I work for Te Runanganui o Ngāti Porou, as a whānau ora navigator, and I’m based here in Tolaga Bay, working alongside the whānau here.”

**Sands supports parents and their families who have experienced the death of a baby no matter what the cause, gestation/age or reason for the loss**