Lisa – Onehunga
“[Children] don’t stress about the little things. They just enjoy the moment, and that’s what life should be; enjoy[ing] the moment. There’s definitely no bigotry; they accept people for what they are. They don’t seem to distinguish between race, wealth, status, they just accept their playmates for playmates; people for who they are.
I went to primary school at Te Papa Primary. Then my parents decided to move to Royal Oak, so then I went to Royal Oak primary. We then moved back to Onehunga, so I did another year at Te Papa Primary. Then we moved to Remuera and I went to Remuera Intermediate, Epsom Girls’ Grammar. I left home at a very early age. I left home at 15. As soon as I turned 15 and I could get a job, I left home. My parents were exceptionally strict, authoritarian. My parents, my father in particular being English, was very much children should be seen and not heard. So anyway, I left home at 15 and I worked doing clerical work, and then I met my first husband. So I was married. I turned 18 a month after we got married. I had my first child at 19, my second at 22, at which point my husband and I separated.
So there was me, aged 22 with what; a four year old and seven months pregnant with my second when we separated, much to my parents horror and disgust. I lived as a solo mum for a few years. I then met a very nice man; Ray. Well I thought he was very nice, and then I fell pregnant with my third, and he was not impressed. So there I was at this point at 27, solo mother with three children basically disowned by my family for quite a number of years. I then went back to school as an adult student at Onehunga High. I wanted to do journalism. I wanted to finish doing some schooling; very difficult as a solo parent with three children to do that. Anyway, I then went back into clerical but I went to work at National Women’s Hospital and I loved the environment and I ended up working for Auckland District Health Board for almost 19 years. I worked my way up from a lowly clerk up to middle management.
In between that time I married for a second time, the love of life, my soul mate, who unfortunately passed away five years ago. So I find myself a widow at a young age. I have three children; Hamish is 42, Kylie is 39 this year, and my youngest is 34. I have four grandchildren. I’m really pleased with my eldest; he’s married a Chinese girl, and their two children are exceptional, bilingual. They switch between Chinese and English fluently. My son reads, writes and speaks Chinese. Yeah, it’s awesome to see that bilingual, that bi cultural diversity going on. I love my grandchildren to bits. My eldest grandchild is coming up 14; Seth. Aria’s coming up 12 in October, Huxley will be five in October, and the youngest Spencer – she’ll be two in December. I did move down to Wellington for a couple of years after my husband passed. I needed a change of scenery.
I went through a really severe bout of depression and anxiety. I still suffer from that, not to the same extent. During that time there were two suicide attempts much to my family’s horror and disgust. They couldn’t understand why I could be so selfish in trying to take my own life and basically leave them orphans, and they kept wanting me to give an explanation as to why I did it, but it’s very difficult when you don’t know yourself why you did it, to give them an explanation. Since that point things have been a bit strained between the family and I, hence me moving back to Auckland, to try and reconnect the family, to build those bridges that were not burned but badly scorched. So yeah, I’ve moved back to Auckland. I’ve just recently moved to Mount Smart Road in social housing. It’s not easy for a woman who’s coming up 61 to be in a flatting situation. A lot of flats are for those in their 20s, 30s, 40s. Nobody wants a woman in their 60s move in.
It’s like having your mother move in. So I found it very difficult to find a flat. So I was lucky when I applied for social housing, as it only took three weeks for them to find me a place. I think my experiences through life have made me realise that you can’t judge a person for the circumstances they’re in off the cuff. You need to know what’s gone on previous. It’s not always as cut and dried as you think.
People go on about these people being homeless. They can’t understand why they are. Sometimes it could be a life choice, but sometimes they just don’t fit inside the box that social housing or Government expect them to fit into, which is why they fall in between the gaps. I’ve learned, I think I have a motto; it is what it is, and that’s it in a nutshell. You can’t dwell on what might have been, what could have been, what should have been; it is what it is, and you just try and make the best of everything every day that you can.
First off it’s communication on all levels. It’s got to be open. It’s got to be honest, and it’s got to be frequent. Without that communication you don’t have a foundation for a good relationship, and if you don’t have a good foundation, the whole building collapses. I did marry very young, and I don’t think I knew how to communicate well at that age. I know my first husband certainly didn’t know how to communicate, but he was a player, anyway. Anyway, my second marriage; my parents were horrified, because my second husband was Māori, and he was Catholic, and my parents had always said to me, never ever marry a Māori or a Catholic, and I married a man who was both, but it was interesting that the Māori have a different perspective on family.
Being a young woman with three children it was very hard for me to find a European man that was prepared to take on a woman with a ready-made family of three, but Joe just accepted the children as if they were his own, and we were together almost 25 years. Of that, we were married four. So we were together 21 years before we got married, and, not that we only got married, but we got married because my youngest son who’s hearing impaired had developed Ushers and so he’s losing his sight, and he really wanted Joe and I to get married so he could drive the car, he could walk me down the aisle while he could see. So that’s what promoted us to get married after so many years of just living together, but certainly communication is paramount, and it’s being willing to really show your emotions. I think a lot of us don’t show our true emotions.
I think a lot of us hide behind different faces, that we’re scared of being truly open with our emotions. I think it was more a loneliness. After being with my husband for so many years it was more a loneliness. I think we’ve got a huge world population, we live in big cities, but I think we’re more removed from people than we’ve ever been. Everything seems to be done online. You’ve lost the face to face contact. Everything’s done by email. You’ve lost that face to face conversation. I think we run the risk of being really isolated, and I felt really alone. I felt [like] a failure, I think because at my age, we had to sell our house, because my husband was quite unwell, so he couldn’t work and we were relying on my income, and circumstances got to the point where we couldn’t keep the house. So I felt a failure, and I felt I really couldn’t truly talk to anyone about it. I felt that nobody understood.
I don’t know that my suicide attempt was a conscious effort. I can remember spending Christmas Day with the family, getting home about quarter past six on Christmas Day, and by half past six I’ve swallowed sleeping pills, just anything I could find in the house, but it wasn’t something I’d planned.
It was just spur of the moment, but I think when you get in that dark hole you get to the point you don’t think there’s anything that you can do. There’s no-one you can talk to that’s truly going to understand what place you’re at, but certainly having open dialogue a lot more about it, and I think society in general puts too many stresses, expectations on people.
I think really trying to connect people, whether it’s a spontaneous coffee morning or something. Aucklanders are actually very aloof and very standoffish. I mean, the amount of people I saw walking down the mall this morning everybody turned the other way as if I was a leper, like I was saying a dirty word because I was a complete stranger saying Good morning, but certainly just being brave enough to say good morning to a total stranger while you’re passing them on the street.
It’s got to be good you making the effort but neighbours, people, are all so tied up and involved in work and making money and having the best and just everybody’s too involved in material things. It’s unfortunate. Maybe if neighbourhoods could get together and have like a sort of neighbourhood barbecue or those neighbourhood parties that you used to have. It’s amazing, once you get to know people it’s amazing what their stories are. I actually decided to go on a diet and lose weight, and I lost 26kg, and I did that in six months, and I did that by going to the gym four times a week, walking up to two hours every day. That’s seven nights a week, seven days a week. I also did exercises at home in my lounge, in front of a mirror, naked.
There’s nothing more motivating than seeing yourself naked while you’re doing exercises to keep on it. I went on a no carb diet, but it was the walking with my headphones on, listening to my music, because I was sharing a house with my daughter, son-in-law and two grandchildren, and the dynamics weren’t always good, and when things were really getting on top of me, I put my headphones in, put my phone on, and off I would go. I found that really good. It was a bit of me time. It was having some fresh air. It was listening to my music which I really enjoy, and getting exercise, and I found that really, really good.”
