Who has changed your life?

Robyn | Pōneke

Robyn (Hawea Flat, Wanaka) has experienced miscarriages and the loss of a baby. This has made her relationship with her son and daughter an especially strong bond.

I had her sort of later in life. It was hard bringing her in. I had problems with pregnancies and she’s just a special… I mean, every child and every human is a special being. But for me and her, we have a very special connection that she’s come in, you know, to be with us. And we wanted her in our lives and she’s, you know, just… it was a lot after, you know, miscarriages and that kind of thing, which I know a quarter of all women go through this and a lot don’t talk about it. So it’s powerful when they do come in and stay, yeah.

So I suppose she changed my life because I became a mother, but also because we are very deeply connected. I have a son as well who is equally as incredible and amazing, and that’s after all the baby stuff… it’s a lot. We had a baby that died in between. So… and I know that’s common also in the world and no one talks about it, so I’m okay, almost okay to say it.

Like, they’re both adults now. He just turned 18. But they have all my losses within them as well, because I remember a friend, after all this had happened, like not a close friend, but someone I know. And he saw me somewhere and he said, “I just want to tell you that my mum lost a baby before he was born and it has forever affected him, even though he never knew that baby.” And it’s always affected his mum and it’s part of who the family is. And I always held that. And I know it’s part of my son’s world as well, even though he never met her.

And it’s hard, but it’s amazing. I remember the people that turned up for me, like, a close friend’s wife turned up. And she was just popping in to say hi and I just completely lost it. And she’s sort of an emotionally available person so she just was there for me. And I will always appreciate that. You feel like a failure as a woman and it’s awful. It’s really shaming and deeply traumatic, and you have to live with it forever.

And I know miscarriages are one thing and the death of a baby is another. I mean, I was in therapy for years after our baby died because I was f**ked. I just couldn’t function. The only thing I could do was get up to get my daughter to kindy and or school wherever she was. And that, that was all I could manage.

But it’s important because you’re not alone, because we all sit there and struggle on our own. And your friends want to help. Your friends really want to help, and your family really wants to help. And they don’t know how. And maybe it’s just come for a walk with me or don’t ask me a whole lot of questions about it because that doesn’t help but be with me, do something with me. Say “oh I’m an artist”, so maybe, you know, “let’s go drawing for half an hour” or “let’s go and sit at the lake” or… nature is a savior for me. It probably is for a lot of people. Just walk down the river.

But yeah, I would say for friends and family to actually reach out, just don’t go “oh I don’t know what to do” because you don’t know what to do. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to know what to do. Just go and be there with the person.